[Ding + clapping] Matt: Let's smackdown guys!We're playing WWE Warzone.

Ryan: It's a wrestling game for the Nintendo 64.

And we're joined today.


Matt: Just introduce him.

Ryan: [unenthused] Chriiis! Chris: [laughs] Why did you get so unconfident when you were doing my part?[Ryan laughing] Chris: What's wrong with you? [Southern accent] Hey ya'll!Matt: It's Chris! Ryan: 'Cause you're mean, Chris.

Chris: I radiate unconfidence.

Ryan: No, you're just mean.

Chris: I'm sorry! Matt: I think all three of us are very unconfident people.

Chris: You literally held me down- -and fingered me right before this.

Ryan: Very true.

Matt: We can create a player.

Ryan: It's 'cause you were talking back to me, Chris.

Matt: Oh, what is this? There we go.

Chris: [Quietly] I didn't deserve it.

[Ryan laughing]Ryan: Chris, it's you! Matt: Chris, you have the honour, you're the guest, make the character.

Chris: That's literally.

pretty close already.

Ryan: Just put some hair on it and it's Chris.

[Matt giggling.

] Chris: Where are the.

Matt: That's gonna be you when you start balding, like, when your hair goes away?[Ryan laughs] Chris: What?Matt: No, you pressed create.

Chris: No!Ryan: [laughing] You pressed create, Chris! Chris: Okay, here goes nothing! Cool, I'm average- that's not average.

That's bullshit.

Matt: That's pretty fat.

[Ryan bursts out laughing]Matt: It's me! He just dabbed.

Chris: "I'm the albino Ethiopian!"[laughs] Matt and Chris: Woah!Chris: Holy shit.

Matt: Wait, what's 'super heavyweight'? [Chris making noises.

] Ryan: I think the skinny guy looks hilarious.

Chris: [As the wrestler] "Hello!" Matt: Oh, what the hell is this game.

Chris: "It's time to fuck.

" Matt: Is it just an image of a man's face? [Chris making more wrestler/ape-like noises,everyone bursts out laughing.

] ["Hrrrg"] ["Hey!"] Chris: "Hello!"Ryan: Is that Tom from Myspace? Chris: "I'm a good guy, I swear.

" [Groan][Aggressive "VRR" sound] Matt: What the hell? Chris: Why did they like- they shot all these with bad lighting and different lighting.

Ryan: It just looks like they pressed someone's face against a scanner machine and like, put them in.

Chris: That's the best one.

[Matt laughs] Chris: Oh, you can turn it up and down?Matt: He doesn't have ears! Chris: Oh, you can rotate him.

["Baaarp!"] Chris: So you- what's this thing at the bottom here? Matt: I don't know, it's like-Ryan: It's the colour tone of you.

Like you can choose to be black or white.

Matt: He looks pretty good bald-[Chris exclaims, Ryan laughs] Matt: That's Hitler's hair.

Ryan: No, dude! Chris: This is great! Ryan: Can we make, uh, Dan Schneider? Chris: Dan Schneider? Okay, Dan Schneider, coming up.

[Ryan laughs] Chris: That's pretty close!Matt: That's pretty good.

Ryan: The Schneider.

Ryan: Nope.

Chris: Ew.

It looks like John Goodman.

Ryan: No, it looks like, uh, Bam's dad? Chris: [Laughs] Phil?Matt: Oh, yeah, Phil Margera! I have never seen a better character customization thing in a game.

Chris: They look so.


It looks like feces.

[Ryan giggling] Ryan: Just smeared on his face?Chris: Like, some of these just look like feces.

Chris: Look at that one.

Matt: Little 'Dirty Sanchez'?Chris: Mm.

Matt: That's when you get poo-poo on your upper lip, right?Chris: This is pretty close to Dan I think.

[Ryan laughs]Matt: He's missing a kid.

[Chris and Ryan laugh]Chris: [As Dan] "What are ya talking about?" Matt: Dan "Hold-her-tighter, she's-a-fighter" Schneider?[Chris laughing] Ryan: Have you heard of theDan "Hymen Collider" Schneider? Matt: OrDan "The Man With The Van" Schneider.

[Chris laughing]Ryan: So many nicknames out there.

He's like- he's literally- he's become like an internet sensation just for being like weird.

And odd.

Chris: What if he's normal, and you guys are just like-[Ryan starts laughing] Ryan: And ruining him.

Matt: I'd genuinely feel bad.

Chris: Everything is perfect.

[Matt and Ryan agree] Chris: I'm gonna call him, "Dan Schneider"! Matt: [As Dan] "The kids can run that way, and they can run that way too.

"[Chris and Ryan laughing] Matt: "I gotta think about this.

"Chris: Holy shit.

Aaaaah, there it is!Matt: There it is, Dan Schneider.

What's his alias gonna be? We got Dan "The Van Man" Schneider.

Chris: Wa-oh! Chris: Ok, he's super fast.

Ryan: So fuckin' fast.

Chris: He's not very tough.

Ryan: No.

Matt: You got 16.

Chris: Oh, dude, he's got so much charisma! Matt: Oh, he's a very charismatic man!Chris: That's it, that's perfect! Matt: Drake & Josh!Ryan: That's him.

Chris: Let's wrassle.

Matt: Let's wrestle! Matt: Alright.

He's been locked away in his vault.

[chuckles] [Ryan and Chris laughing]Matt: His cell? [laughs] He's in solitary confinement.

Chris: Should we do some training? Matt: Ey, dude.

Whatever you think would work best.

Chris: I think we should do a little training.

[Ryan and Chris start laughing.

]Matt: That's Stone Cold Steve Austin! Chris: He's not that cold.

Shit! No, no! Dan! Matt: Fuck.

Chris: I didn't know that was a menu! Ryan: Ah, fuck.

Chris! Chris: Okay, we'll train with Stone Cold for a second.

Matt: And then the grand finale, we'll bust out Dan "The Van Man" Schneider.

What are the controls?Chris: I'm trying to figure that out.

Ryan: What is going on?Matt: What is happening? Matt: Oh, shit.

Chris: I did it, I win.

Chris: [weakly] "Stop.

"[Matt laughs] "Stop it.

" Ryan: There he is![all] The Van Man! Yeah! Chris: [As Ahmed] "I'm gonna kill Dan 'The Man In The Van' Schneider.

" Matt: Ryan, you playing? You doing it?Ryan: Yeah, I'm playing.

[fighting chants] Chris: You can do it Dan!Matt: You don't know karate.

Chris: Hey Dan, watch out![Chris screams, Ryan laughing loudly.

] Ryan: Got 'em! [All laughing.

]Ryan: This is so stupid! Oh, I got him! -Oh Shit![Ryan laughing again] God damn it, Dan! Matt: Dan, get up!Ryan: DAN GET UP! Matt: Get up! What are you doing-Ryan: [Laughing] God damn it, Dan! Noo! DAAAN! Matt: He's just given up![Everyone laughing] Ryan: [Laughing] He's fuckin'- Get him! Chris: Dude!Matt: Dude, he's railing him! Matt: He's railing him! Ryan: Fuck yeah!Chris: Holy fuck! Chris: You killed him! Ryan: [Chuckling] C'mere you little.

Chris: Woah, dude.

Ryan: I got him! – [Yells] No!Chris: How is he that strong?! Matt: Oh, man.

Ryan: He keeps stunning me! Stop it!Chris: [As Ahmed] "I'm gonna fuck you up.

" Matt: He's giving him a kiss.

[Ryan and Matt laughing.

] Ryan: God! [Cartoony clunk]Ryan: Oh, come on! Let me stand up, you fucking-[yelling] No, no, NO! NO, NO DAN!![Matt exclaiming, Chris screaming] DAN, GET THE FUCK UP! [Chris screaming "No!", Ryan laughing] Dan, you fucking idiot! [Matt and Chris continue laughing]What is he doing!? [All laughing loudly.

] Ryan: I can't!Chris: He's got you in the orange! Ryan: I'm rollin'!Chris: Run outta there! Ryan: I'm backin' up! He's got me backed- He's got me backed into a corner! Chris: "I'm comin' for ya, Dan!"Ryan: Fuck! [Giggling] Matt: I have tears-Ryan: NOO!! God! Chris: Shit.

Matt: I'm gonna throw up! Ryan: BOOM, I got him! Damn it! Chris: Dan.

Dan is stunned! [sputtering giggles] [Wet mouth noises] Chris: No, no, no.

Ryan: [Exasperated] He's doing it again! Matt: No, now's not a time to take a nap!Ryan: Dan! Get the fuck up! He's almost done, he's almost done! Matt: Go, go, go!Ryan: Yeah! ["Woo!" + Clapping] Ryan: Is he just-Matt: Is he just gonna climb back down slowly now? Ryan: Is he getting out? What is he doing? Chris: "I'm scared of him!" [Ryan laughs]Matt: He won?!Chris: What? Matt: "Yeah, I won!"Ryan: Total- No, he left the ring! That means I win.

Matt: No, it said Ahmed won by a total blowout.

Ryan: Anybody else wanna try? [Loud cough] Matt: So- I guess I gotta grab a weapon? Ryan: Yeah.

Matt: A piece of toast? Is that a piece of toast? Ryan: Shit, shit.

Matt: I don't know the controls! Matt: Do I use-Chris: Dude he fucking nailed you! Ryan: Oh, yeah get him!Chris: Holy shit.

Matt: Woah! Chris: Woah!Ryan: He threw you out! You're stunned!Matt: Dan, no! Dan, get up! Ryan: Dan!Matt: Dan, get up! [All start laughing]Ryan: [in disbelief] What the fuck! He just threw himself into your.

fuckin' gooch! Matt: Oh, this is out of the ring.

Get back in- no, no!Ryan: That guy's getting pinkeye, no matter what.

Matt: I don't know what the controls are.

Ryan: There's a move list, press start.

[Matt yelling] Matt: Wait wait wait.

I gotta get outta this first.

[Chris making choking noises] Ryan: There ya go.

[Chris heaving] Chris: No moves!Ryan: What?! Matt: Cause I'm supposed to get weapons, but I'm out of the ring.

I can't get weapons.

Let me get in the ring! Just let me- – get back in the fucking ring.

Ryan: He doesn't wanna get you.

Matt: Fuck!Ryan: Oh shit! Matt: "Ah! Let go!" "Uncle, uncle!"[Ryan laughing]Chris: "Oh no!" Ryan: They're dancin'! [Cartoon 'wallop' sound effect][Everyone exclaims] Ryan: Damn! You fuckin' knocked the shit out of him.

Matt: No!Ryan: Oh come on.

Chris: Oh! You got a chair!Ryan: How do you grab it?Chris: Get it! Ryan: Trigger.

Chris: No, don't trigger.

Matt: Is it trigger? Ryan: I don't know.

Matt: I don't know how to pick it up, I pressed every button![Chris makes a gargling noise.

] Put 'im down! Ryan: He's not even grabbing weapons.

Matt: It's weapons mode, guys, come on! Chris: Jesus.

Matt: Wow, he's destroying me.

Ryan: [Giggling] What is he doing?Chris: He's trying to get the kid out of you.

[Ryan laughing louder] Ryan: Damn.

Chris: Smack him, quick! Chris: Woah! The chair fuckin' went into the earth! Matt: I absorbed it's nutrients and energy.

[Ryan laughing] If I play dead, he'll stop attacking me.

It's like a possum.

Chris: Dan's little brown nipples.

Ryan: [High pitched] "Whah" Matt: Could I get back in the fucking ring, please?[High-pitch grunts.

] Ryan: Dude, he just Bane-d him.

Matt: O-ho! Got him right in his nuts! Got him again!Ryan: Oof.

Chris: [in a voice] "You're meaner than Robert Downy Jr.

" Matt: We saw him once, wearing a fedora.

Ryan: [Laughing] Yeah.

Chris: He was like "Fedora's are awesome, [Matt joins in]Fedora's are awesome!" Matt: That's from Adam The Alien, Season 6.

[Ryan and Chris laughing] Chris: "Mine's better!" Ryan: [Chuckling] It is though, it really is.

How has no one won?!Matt: I don't know!Ryan: It's going to go on for ten minutes! I don't wanna have this go on for ten minutes, Matt! Chris: Let him kill Dan and be done with it.

[squeaky noises] Chris: "Kill me"Ryan: God damn it.

Chris: "Put me out of my misery.

" "I promise to never do it again.

"[Ryan and Matt laugh] Chris: [As other wrestler] "I don't believe you, Dan! You're out!" Matt: We're done with that.

Ryan: Yeah.


Matt: No one's winning that match.

Ryan: That's enough.

Matt: Alright, we're about to go head-to-head with some co-op, so we're gonna make a new character real quick.

Ryan: Make a black guy this time, Chris!Chris: [Jokingly] Ew! Chris: [Laughs] Look at that one![Grunts] Chris: What's this middle thing- What's the point in this slider if it doesn't make it brighter? Matt: Dan "The Slider Doesn't Make It Any Brighter" Schneider.

Chris: [Soft voice] Damn! Haha ha ha ha.

Matt: [Similar voice] Back at it again with the big boots! Chris: The big boots! Back at it again.

Matt: The first time I heard you say that, I teared up with laughter.

'Cause I laughed so hard.

Chris: Oh, there we go, boots.

"Back at it again with the big boots.

" Ryan: What's his name gonna be?Matt: That's our boy! What's his name gonna be? Chris: Uh.

Matt and Ryan: "The Tan Man"? [Laughing] Chris: Okay I'm done.

Ryan: Perfect! Everyone grab a controller.

Matt: Chris, get a controller.

Chris: Where's the cunt-roller? Matt: Alright, we're doing 3-player! Um.

Ryan: I'll be 'The Van Man'.

Ryan: I like The Van Man.

Matt: Uh, Chris, you wanna be The Tan Man? Chris: I wanna be the Tan- I wanna be The Van Man, too! Matt: Okay, I'll be The Tan Man, and Chris, you be The Van Man.

Chris: Okay.

Matt: Oh, yeah and him.

Matt: He's just thrown in there.

[Ryan and Chris laughing] Ryan: Woo!Chris: Multi-man melee!Matt: It's fuckin' Warzone.

Matt: You guys are gonna get so confused.

Chris: Nuh-uh.

Matt: Alright, here we go.

Chris: Okay, I know which one I am, fuck you.

Ryan: Get outta my way! Chris: Let's kick the shit outta Kane.

[Ryan grunting] Matt: Who am I fighting?Ryan: I think I'm the one fighting Kane.

Chris: What? No you're not.

I'm fighting Kane.

Ryan: Oh- nevermind! I'm fighting Matt![Matt growling] Ryan: C'mere you little-Chris: Dude, I'm kicking the shit outta Kane, dude! Matt: I'm kicking your ass.

Chris: Fuck you! Matt: Can we just ignore Kane and fight each other? Ryan: Ohhh daaamn!Chris: Fuck you, Kane! Matt: I look like a little Somali Pirate.

[Ryan laughing] Chris: Kane just beat the shit out of me.

Chris: Stop!Ryan: Holy shit.

[cow-bell thunk] Matt: I got'cha right in the nuts!Ryan: This is just a clusterfuck.

Chris: Right in the nuts.

Ryan: Stop kicking me! [Matt laughing] Ryan: There! Take that.

Matt: Stop- oh, fuck.

[Ryan grunting] Ryan: Yeah-heh-heah! Look at me![Matt shouting] Chris! Are you proud of me?Chris: I'm just button-mashing on Kane.

Matt: Hey- Ryan- I'm- Let's- Truce, truce?[Ryan panting] Let's go kick Chris' ass.

Chris: Noo! What the fuck, leave me be.

Matt: You killed me, dude! I'm dead! Chris: I just-Ryan: I just jumped out the fucking thing.

Matt: Ryan, get back in the ring.

Ryan: What am I doing?Matt: Get back in the ring, dude.

Ryan: Where's the tornado?Chris: Fuck you Tan Man [grunts] Matt: Chris, I'll help you take him on.

Stop- I'm not trying to fight you.

Ryan: I'm still out of the ring.

Chris: Kane's killing me![Ryan laughs] Ryan: Oh no!I gotta come help him.

Matt: I'm trying to help him myself.

Ryan: How do I get up? I can't get back up, I don't know how to get back up.

Matt: You're stuck down there, Dan can't climb.

Ryan: I- Why are they booing?! Chris: Cause you suck.

Ryan: Oh, I caught you! Matt: You pulled me outta the ring.

Ryan: Damn it, no!Matt: You asshole.

Chris: [quietly] What is happening?Ryan: Ah, fucker.

Chris: Ah, he's killing me again.

[Ryan laughing] Ryan: He's got you spread, Chris.

[Chris yelling "NO!"] Look at him!He's fucking Chris! He's fuckin' him.

Matt: Oh, shit.

Matt: Oh! Dude, I am destroying you right now, Ryan.

Ryan: Oh- I haven't even been paying attention.

Matt: I know, that's why! Chris: I don't like Kane in here.

Matt: You're getting beaten up by this small Somali man.

[Ryan laughing]Chris: No, Kane's gonna- No! Ryan: This is- Oh, damn!Matt: Wait, where are we? Ryan: It's goin' on.

Matt: Oh- cause Kane's kicking his ass.

Chris: [Defeatedly] "He's fuckin me.

" Ryan: He's really- [laughing]Matt: Oh, right there, right there.

Chris: "Look, I'm uh, the Tan Man.

"Matt: Did we die, Ryan? Ryan: I think we just got- we're outta the ring and we got disqualified.

Matt: Are we gone?Ryan: Yeah.

Chris: "I stink.

" Ryan: Oh, damn!Holy shit.

Chris: Ah, he's doing it again.

Ryan: Do we have to wait until the end of these 12 minutes to find out the winner? Matt: No, no, one of you guys is gonna win.

Chris: What's he- What's he-Fuck you, then! Ryan: Holy shit!Chris: What's he doin?! No! [All laughing loudly] Ryan: He just sat you up there!Matt: Like a baby! Chris: Why are you doing that?![Ryan laughing] Matt: Dan's like "I need a second, let me just sit up there.

"Ryan: What the fuck is he doing?! [Ryan guffaws] Chris: "Bam!" I'm just gonna keep doing this.

Ryan: [As Dan] "Do you know who I am?I created the most popular TV shows on Nickelodeon!" Matt: [quietly] "I'm Dan Schneider!" Chris: Oh, I fuckin' knocked him out, dude.

Matt: Wow.


[Chris and Ryan laughing] Chris: Kill him dude, kill him!Ryan: Get him! Chris: Ger-der-der.

Ryan: Dude no! Yeees! Chris, you're kicking his ass!Chris: [Rough-baby sounding voice] "I'm Dan Schneider.

" Matt: I see how it works, they got health bars.

Right?Ryan: Yeah, but then it goes all the way down- Stun him.

Matt: Stun him, dude! There you go.

Ryan: Keep him down.

Matt: Now get him, beat the shit out of him.

Chris: [intense wrestling noises] Ryan: Aw, yeah![Chris continuing] Ryan: Why does he keep regenerating health?Matt: I don't know.

Chris: It's the system, we're not- We didn't learn how the game works! It's our own fault.

Ryan: Are we supposed to pin people in wrestling? Chris: [in an accent] "I'm going to pin him, alright.

" [Thunk] Ryan: Ow- He just kicked you in the nuts!Matt: Did you hear the sound effect? Chris: Oh, he's fucking killing me again!Matt: Oh, my god.

Chris: Oh no, the Van Man.

Matt: Get it over with! Just kill him already!Ryan: Oh shit, he's pinning you.

[Chris screaming]Matt: "Hey, it's nothing personal.

" [in-game count of '3'] Ryan: Oh, damn.

Matt: Oh wow, did he just defeat you? Chris: Dude.

Kane's pretty good, dude.

Ryan: "The Tan Man and Kane win" Oh, you winned!Matt: Oh, uh, yeah! Chris: Fuck you Matt!Ryan: The team wins.

Matt: But where did- why did I disappear? Ryan: Wait.

Both the Dans lost?! Matt: Wow.

Ryan: What a way to end it.

Matt: Wow, guys.

Well that was, uh, WWE- [Rumble-y fart noise] Ryan: [Snickering] Thanks, Chris.

Did you just shit your pants? Chris: [Wavering] No?.